At our house table manners got more than their fair share of attention. I was always trying to make sure my kids knew how to behave in public, or when they were guests at a friend’s house. All that instruction was making our meals unpleasant. We had to find another way to make our requests!

Have you ever noticed that when someone nags you repeatedly about something, you eventually tune them out? If you find yourself saying “How many times do I have to tell you…?” or “You still haven’t put away your…!” then you know the only person listening anymore is probably YOU!

Not only does nagging fail to get you what you want, it is also disrespectful and unattractive.

You can make requests of those you live or work with in much more effective ways than nagging. Below I have listed a few ways to be firm and kind while encouraging the cooperation of your family members:

• Act without talking.
• Give a limited choice (one choice that the parent can act on).
• Use one word.
• Use a signal or a note.
• Give information.
• Say how you feel.
• Describe what you see.

The best way to begin to stop nagging is to start noticing what you say and how you say it. When you catch yourself in what might be a “nag”, check in with yourself.

Is this something you would enjoy being on the receiving end of?

Would you speak this way to a friend or coworker?

If the answer is “No”, congratulate yourself for being aware and take a few deep breaths.

One brilliant thing to do would be to say something like

“Wow! I’m sorry. I was nagging! Can we start over? I have something I would love to talk to you about.”

Choose a tool from the above list that makes sense for the situation and give it a try. Appreciate your family member for being willing to listen and watch what happens!

So, would you like to know what happened with our table manners nagging?

After a family discussion, we developed a game called “restaurant manners”. Our agreement was that whenever the atmosphere at the table was getting to me, I could announce that this was a restaurant manners practice session. We would then use very exaggerated table manners, dabbing the corners of our mouths with our napkins and seeming very proper. The kids thought this was a cool game and I got to see that they really did know how to adjust their behavior to meet the needs of a situation.

As always, I would love to here from you about how you did. Just send me an email at laurie@joyinside.net.