“Do as I say, not as I do”

Have you seen any adults telling their kids to do something, then modeling something else? Some are obvious, like the parent who uses substances, legal or otherwise, and tells their kids not to.

Not so obvious, is when we tell our child “apologize to Suzie”, when we never admit to being at fault and haven’t even checked in to see if there is a more meaningful way to intervene.

I was visiting a friend when our boys were small. The neighbors’ child hit one of the other children and I watched as his father showed up from next door and dragged his son home, spanking him as he yelled “We Don’t Hit!”. What’s wrong with this picture?

What message do you think this child will be getting at a deep level?

This dad was doing the best he knew how. If only he could have seen himself! I am sure he would have realized that he was modeling the very behavior he wanted to prevent in his child.

Often we try to control our children, especially when others are watching or might judge us as bad parents:

Our child is handed a gift

“What do we say?” we chirrup
“Thank-you.” Our child dutifully responds.

What if we model the behaviors we want to see?

Young children are watching us and modeling their behavior after ours. Older kids are also carefully observing our behavior. They may not change theirs to match our expectations, but they are taking it all in and making decisions about who they want to become.

Take some time to ask yourself ” am I modeling the behavior I want to see in those around me?”

If there is room for improvement, let your loved ones know what behaviors you are working on changing. Here are some examples to get you started thinking:

“I am working on remembering to say please and thank you to you more. Will you gently remind me when I forget?”
“I notice that I raise my voice when I get agitated. I have a goal of being more respectful when I speak. Could you let me know when I could turn the volume down a little. I respond well to humor.”

When we take responsibility for our own behavior, our kids are watching and learning. Give it a try… And as always, I would love to hear from you about your results.