“Good girl! You are a hard worker”, the teacher says as she smiles at your daughter. You have an uneasy feeling and you aren’t sure why. Don’t you want the teacher to praise your child? Surprisingly, your  uneasiness is a good indicator that praise isn’t really what we are after.

The problem with praise is that it can set off all kinds of internal problems. Praise assumes that what I do says something about who I am . As adults raised in this culture, not many of us have experienced a life where praise and other external types of reward aren’t sought after. I grew up believing that winning the award, receiving the reward, or being praised were the things to work for.

It wasn’t until I began studying parenting that I learned that my children would be far better off if I could teach them to find their validation on the inside, rather than from external sources. (more…)