What’s Wrong With Praise?
“Good girl! You are a hard worker”, the teacher says as she smiles at your daughter. You have an uneasy feeling and you aren’t sure why. Don’t you want the teacher to praise your child? Surprisingly, your uneasiness is a good indicator that praise isn’t really what we are after.
The problem with praise is that it can set off all kinds of internal problems. Praise assumes that what I do says something about who I am . As adults raised in this culture, not many of us have experienced a life where praise and other external types of reward aren’t sought after. I grew up believing that winning the award, receiving the reward, or being praised were the things to work for.
It wasn’t until I began studying parenting that I learned that my children would be far better off if I could teach them to find their validation on the inside, rather than from external sources. (more…)
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July 11, 2008
Alternatives to Nagging- Getting Cooperation From Kids
At our house table manners got more than their fair share of attention. I was always trying to make sure my kids knew how to behave in public, or when they were guests at a friend’s house. All that instruction was making our meals unpleasant. We had to find another way to make our requests!
Have you ever noticed that when someone nags you repeatedly about something, you eventually tune them out? If you find yourself saying “How many times do I have to tell you…?” or “You still haven’t put away your…!” then you know the only person listening anymore is probably YOU!
Not only does nagging fail to get you what you want, it is also disrespectful and unattractive.
You can make requests of those you live or work with in much more effective ways than nagging. Below I have listed a few ways to be firm and kind while encouraging the cooperation of your family members:
- Act without talking.
- Give a limited choice (one choice that the parent can act on).
- Use one word.
- Use a signal or a note.
- Give information.
- Say how you feel.
- Describe what you see.
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June 16, 2008
How to be an example to your kids – “Do as I say, not as I do?”
How to Be an Example
“Do as I say, not as I do”
Have you seen any adults telling their kids to do something, then modeling something else? Some are obvious, like the parent who uses substances, legal or otherwise, and tells their kids not to.
Not so obvious, is when we tell our child “apologize to Suzie”, when we never admit to being at fault and haven’t even checked in to see if there is a more meaningful way to intervene.
I was visiting a friend when our boys were small. The neighbors’ child hit one of the other children and I watched as his father showed up from next door and dragged his son home, spanking him as he yelled “We Don’t Hit!”. What’s wrong with this picture?
What message do you think this child will be getting at a deep level?
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June 10, 2008
Building Your Parenting Tool Box
Being a great parent isn’t something that you usually get much appreciation for! As a parent of a teen and a 21 year old, I can say that having a great tool box has made parenting more rewarding. I know I have done my best and can continue to be encouraging as my kids move into adulthood.
Would you like to improve your performance as a parent? Here are a few tips from my article:
20 TOOLS FOR BUILDING EFFECTIVE RELATIONSHIPS
- Instead of saying what you don’t want, politely request the behavior you DO desire.
- Take time for training! Teach the skills needed to get the behavior you desire–remember to do this one step at a time.
- Try an “I statement” to express your feelings in a positive way.
- Use your sense of humor–maybe a laugh would break the tension!
- Utilize What, Why and How questions that avoid blame and shame.
- Redirect the child’s NEED to a different, more acceptable activity.
- Structure reasonable, respectful, and related logical consequences with the child BEFORE the misbehavior occurs, if possible.
- Plan ahead. Hold a family meeting.
For a complete list of tips, read my special report:
20 Tips For Building Effective Relationships with Kids
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May 13, 2008
Catch Them Doing It Right: Appreciations Set The Tone.
One of the things I love about teaching families to have Family Meetings is Appreciations. Appreciations at the beginning of any meeting, set a tone of respect and friendliness. Families spend a lot of time talking about kid’s chores and responsibilities. It is easy to fall into the trap of only noticing and commenting on what isn’t getting done. If you would like to increase cooperation in your family try this:
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May 6, 2008
Seeing Through Your Child’s Eyes
Do you know any kids (or adults) who can never seem to get enough attention? Attention seeking behavior is usually a result of confusion about how to fit in, how to be important. Sometimes kids get the mistaken idea that they only “count” when they are being noticed or served. When left alone, they feel left out or invisible.
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