What’s Wrong With Praise?
“Good girl! You are a hard worker”, the teacher says as she smiles at your daughter. You have an uneasy feeling and you aren’t sure why. Don’t you want the teacher to praise your child? Surprisingly, your uneasiness is a good indicator that praise isn’t really what we are after.
The problem with praise is that it can set off all kinds of internal problems. Praise assumes that what I do says something about who I am . As adults raised in this culture, not many of us have experienced a life where praise and other external types of reward aren’t sought after. I grew up believing that winning the award, receiving the reward, or being praised were the things to work for.
It wasn’t until I began studying parenting that I learned that my children would be far better off if I could teach them to find their validation on the inside, rather than from external sources. (more…)
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July 11, 2008
Alternatives to Nagging- Getting Cooperation From Kids
At our house table manners got more than their fair share of attention. I was always trying to make sure my kids knew how to behave in public, or when they were guests at a friend’s house. All that instruction was making our meals unpleasant. We had to find another way to make our requests!
Have you ever noticed that when someone nags you repeatedly about something, you eventually tune them out? If you find yourself saying “How many times do I have to tell you…?” or “You still haven’t put away your…!” then you know the only person listening anymore is probably YOU!
Not only does nagging fail to get you what you want, it is also disrespectful and unattractive.
You can make requests of those you live or work with in much more effective ways than nagging. Below I have listed a few ways to be firm and kind while encouraging the cooperation of your family members:
- Act without talking.
- Give a limited choice (one choice that the parent can act on).
- Use one word.
- Use a signal or a note.
- Give information.
- Say how you feel.
- Describe what you see.
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June 24, 2008
Teaching Kids to Trust Their Emotions
One of the joys of parenting is teaching our kids to express themselves. When they are babies we teach them to name objects, people and experiences. We thrill to their responsiveness to language. One thing we know about language development is that we, kids and adults, learn receptively before we learn expressively. What that means is that we understand language long before we use it.
What does this have to do with feelings? Well, we have a wonderful world of emotions in our experience of the world. As parents, we are responsible for teaching children about their feelings. When we help kids to know that the experience they are having can be described, named and learned from, we are giving them one of the most valuable tools they have available to them as human beings. Validating feelings gives children a feeling vocabulary.
Our feelings give us information. They help us to know what we don’t want and what we DO want. As parents we may be guilty of trying to talk our kids out of their feelings.
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June 16, 2008
How to be an example to your kids – “Do as I say, not as I do?”
How to Be an Example
“Do as I say, not as I do”
Have you seen any adults telling their kids to do something, then modeling something else? Some are obvious, like the parent who uses substances, legal or otherwise, and tells their kids not to.
Not so obvious, is when we tell our child “apologize to Suzie”, when we never admit to being at fault and haven’t even checked in to see if there is a more meaningful way to intervene.
I was visiting a friend when our boys were small. The neighbors’ child hit one of the other children and I watched as his father showed up from next door and dragged his son home, spanking him as he yelled “We Don’t Hit!”. What’s wrong with this picture?
What message do you think this child will be getting at a deep level?
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June 10, 2008
Building Your Parenting Tool Box
Being a great parent isn’t something that you usually get much appreciation for! As a parent of a teen and a 21 year old, I can say that having a great tool box has made parenting more rewarding. I know I have done my best and can continue to be encouraging as my kids move into adulthood.
Would you like to improve your performance as a parent? Here are a few tips from my article:
20 TOOLS FOR BUILDING EFFECTIVE RELATIONSHIPS
- Instead of saying what you don’t want, politely request the behavior you DO desire.
- Take time for training! Teach the skills needed to get the behavior you desire–remember to do this one step at a time.
- Try an “I statement” to express your feelings in a positive way.
- Use your sense of humor–maybe a laugh would break the tension!
- Utilize What, Why and How questions that avoid blame and shame.
- Redirect the child’s NEED to a different, more acceptable activity.
- Structure reasonable, respectful, and related logical consequences with the child BEFORE the misbehavior occurs, if possible.
- Plan ahead. Hold a family meeting.
For a complete list of tips, read my special report:
20 Tips For Building Effective Relationships with Kids
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May 19, 2008
School Is Not One Size Fits All
In my community, we recently lost another teen to suicide. He was a successful, well liked kid from a great family. We can only conjecture about what happens when a teen feels so overwhelmed that they take such drastic measures. We do the best we can as parents, friends and counselors to help kids through times that seem beyond what they can bear.
Do you know any teens who are less than thrilled about school? Sometimes, we are lucky and kids do tell us when they are unhappy. They may say it clearly or we may see it in the way they drag themselves through their week. Their eating habits or hygiene may change. They may have “health problems”, anxiety or lethargy. I became an expert on this topic when I was in high school myself. For me, school was a miserable five days between the weekends, when I got to see my friends in a neighboring town. Back when I went to school my family had a “tough it out” attitude. If there were options, we didn’t know about them.
Well, being a parent who believes in mutual respect and honest communication, this sort of bravery didn’t work well for me. Thus began my role as a parent who suggested my son drop out of high school!
Yes, you heard me right. Don’t dismiss this article yet, though.
I am a reputable therapist with Masters Degrees in Education and Counseling. I just knew and continue to trust that if a kid is miserable in school, there must be a way to help make things better for them.
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May 13, 2008
Catch Them Doing It Right: Appreciations Set The Tone.
One of the things I love about teaching families to have Family Meetings is Appreciations. Appreciations at the beginning of any meeting, set a tone of respect and friendliness. Families spend a lot of time talking about kid’s chores and responsibilities. It is easy to fall into the trap of only noticing and commenting on what isn’t getting done. If you would like to increase cooperation in your family try this:
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May 6, 2008
Seeing Through Your Child’s Eyes
Do you know any kids (or adults) who can never seem to get enough attention? Attention seeking behavior is usually a result of confusion about how to fit in, how to be important. Sometimes kids get the mistaken idea that they only “count” when they are being noticed or served. When left alone, they feel left out or invisible.
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May 2, 2008
Make Sure the Message of Love Gets Through To Your Teen!
Do you remember being a teenager? What things were
most important to you? Did you care about the things
your parents valued?
Parenting teens can be a fun and memorable part of
raising kids. So many parents and teens that I meet
are just not having a good time with each other.
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April 22, 2008
Raising Kids With Self Esteem
Teaching our children to know and love themselves sometimes requires a little education. Over years of counseling and teaching parenting, I have found the work of Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner’s, Raising Kids Who Can, to be very helpful. They teach about the Crucial C’s:
- I Connect
- I am Capable
- I Count
- I have Courage
If children have the crucial C’s they have the following feeling and abilities:
I Connect: I feel secure. I can reach out and make friends.I Cooperate. I believe I belong.
I am Capable: I feel competent. I have self-control. I assume responsibility. I am self reliant. I believe I can do it.
I Count: I feel valuable. I matter. I contribute. I believe I can make a difference.
I have Courage: I feel hopeful. I am willing to try. I am resilient. I believe I can handle what comes.
Discouraged children feel insecure and isolated, may be susceptible to peer pressure. They may seek attention. These kids may feel inadequate, try to control others or avoid taking responsibility. They may seek power. Or, perhaps they feel insignificant and hurt so they try to hurt others. They may seek revenge. Others feel useless. They may give up or avoid.
To learn more about these ideas I recommend Lew and Bettner’s book.
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